Students’ association breaks new ground with unprecedented promises

Tim Faltin & Mikaila Perrino
Augustana Medium

The incoming Augustana Students’ Association (ASA) announced with absolute conviction that they and they alone know what is in the best interest of students and are ready to solve all students’ problems.

The ASA is promising to make everyone happy all the time. Starting next year, Sharing Circle Week to take place in the forum so students can talk about their feelings with random other students they’ve never met.

Further, the ASA looks to increase student fees to fund monthly Booster Juice giveaways after a positive correlation was found with increased student health and wellness, or at least temporary happiness. And more puppies, and more Terrence (he now has to work overtime).

The ASA will now support several more awareness campaigns. Most of the problems students face are largely unknown. So, if more people know about them, then the problems will stop.

The incoming council also looks forward to hosting more bashes and planning several great parties for students that create student spirit that otherwise wouldn’t exist.